im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
