mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize