In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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