Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
