I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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