Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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