I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
