you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize