I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he puts the penis in happiness.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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