the condom got lost in my hair
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
