i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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