my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
