I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
