Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
