Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
