sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
