I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
