I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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