you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
