oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize