You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
