Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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