Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
