Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
