I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
