the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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