Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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