I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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