I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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