I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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