you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
