I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
