Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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