Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
