I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
