found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
