awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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