Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
