How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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