friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
