my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am midnight drunk by noon
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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