Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
