I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Two words: nipple clamps
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