Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
