I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if only i could text you this smell
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i drank out of a bidet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
