trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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