the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
