I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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