my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
