My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
