So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
