Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
