A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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