I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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