i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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