I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
