so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
