Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize