i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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