what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
