Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
