I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
