Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize